A Traffic Stop Conversation...

A short while back, I had a wonderful conversation with a charming ass clown gentleman who I had stopped for traffic violations. It had been awhile as I hadn’t stopped one of those delightful people who just want to be a jerk because they got stopped. I understand that no one ever wants to get stopped by the police, but trying to treat the guy or gal stopping you like a piece of shit is definitely not the way to go.

It was kind of humorous and too good not to share. Anyhow, the stop went something like this…

SmallTownCopper: Hello sir. I am Officer Copper with the Small Town Police. The reason I stopped you is because…

Stupid Ass Driver: Why are you picking on me!?

STC: Excuse me?

SAD: I want to know why you are picking on me!

STC: Well sir, it’s like this. Look back there (pointing back at the intersection). Do you see that big red metal octagon shaped sign there? That’s called a stop sign. It’s there to let you know that you, the driver, have to stop your vehicle at that point so as not to cause an accident. The sad part for you is that the state happens to have a law that says when people like you don’t stop at those, guys like me can pull you over and give you a ticket for not stopping. It’s kind of a common thing.

SAD: You don’t have to be rude. I just asked a question.

STC: And I answered your question about why I stopped you sir. I need you driver’s license, vehicle registration and insurance card. Please.

SAD: For what? Are you giving me a ticket!?

STC: I'm sorry sir, I guess you did not understand me. DRIVER'S LICENSE. VEHICLE REGISTRATION. INSURANCE CARD. Please.

SAD: (looking at me confused)

SAD: This is bullshit. I don’t have my license with me and can’t find my insurance card.

STC: (sarcastically) Do you have a driver’s license sir?

SAD: (gives me the “I am trying to intimidate you” stare)

STC: Is that a yes or no stare?

SAD: You’re an asshole.

STC: Well you are certainly entitled to your opinion. How about you just give me your name and date of birth.

SAD: Stupid Ass Driver. February 27, 1981.*

STC: Thanks. Now stay in your car and I will be back with you in a few minutes.

[SEVERAL MINUTES AND 4 CITATIONS LATER]

STC: Ok, sir. I am citing you for failing to stop for a stop sign, which we have already gone over, as well as not having proof of insurance, not having your driver’s license in your possession and for not wearing your seat belt. Please sign on the line with the X.

SAD: WHAT? I DIDN’T STOP AT THE STOP SIGN! WHY ARE YOU WRITING ME OTHER TICKETS!?

STC: (takes deep breath) Sir, you broke four separate traffic laws. I am writing you citations for each violation. That’s how it works. Now you have to do your part and sign the citations on the line with the X.

SAD: (angrily signs the citations) I’ll see you in court. And I am making a complaint on you. I’ll have your badge after I tell everyone how you talked down to me and called me an asshole. What do you think about that you mother fucker? It will be my word against yours.

STC: I’m sure the court will enjoy listening to you. By the way, you have never watched any of those police video shows have you?

SAD: What does that have to do with this?

STC: Just that my car back there has this great tool in it called a camera. Their all the rage now. It’s great because it records what I see and do. It even records audio. I’ll remember to bring it to court with me, our Judges just love seeing & hearing the videos of upstanding citizens like yourself.

SAD: (suddenly quiet and pale)...

STC: So your court date is two weeks from Monday at 10 AM. The address is printed on the back of the citations sir. Please wear your seat belt and driver carefully sir.

So fast forward two weeks. I check with the court and discover that SAD has decided not to fight the citations I wrote him. He went ahead and paid the $500 in fines instead.

And I am still waiting to hear about his complaint. I guess the moral of the story is that maybe you should follow your mother’s advice and treat people like you want to be treated. Or maybe it’s you catch more flies with honey?

Stay safe my friends…and wear your vests! 

STC

*coincidentally, February 27 is National Asshole Day. True story. Google it.

You all snitch, get over it.

So recent events, along with this whole stop snitching thing I read about, have brought about this quick little blog about "snitching."

(Note: By “snitching” I am talking about a mope rolling over on another mope, not Joe Citizen telling about something they saw or heard. That’s not “snitching,” that’s being a decent person and trying to make your little part of the world safer or better.)

Here is a fun little fact that I have learned during my career…95% of those arrested for a crime would “snitch” out their own family upon being arrested.* Trust me, it’s a true story and the reason behind the saying there’s no honor among thieves. It’s human nature to look out for yourself when you get into trouble.

Think about it, when you were little and got into trouble with your friends or siblings how many times did you blame it on them? I’ll bet quite a bit.

Well it’s the same when you are an adult, particularly among those who commit the occasional or repeated social faux pas (criminal act) or who tend to self-medicate with liquid refreshments or narcotics. It’s usually not personal (well, sometimes it is) but more of self-preservation. The majority of people will always look out for themselves before others.

Personally, I love it when our local mopes turn on each other. Anything that makes it easier for me to slap you into those fashionable nickel plated bracelets is fabulous for us. You get arrested, your friends get arrested and I clear a case or two off of your information. What’s not to like!? But I am digressing a bit.

The point I am trying to make is that the overwhelming majority of those who do crimes will give up others that commit crimes in order to save themselves. So don’t whine about it. Don’t bitch and groan when someone gives you up. At some time you will be arrested and most likely you will spill out some information on someone else. Own it. It’s yours. Quit being a baby about it, you did have the right to remain silent after all.

If you don’t want to “snitch,” or get “snitched on,” then maybe you should not be committing crimes.

Of course, this is just my opinion and I am admittedly biased. 

* Unofficial study results by STC

To the Angry Relative

To the Angry Relative,

While I understand that you are upset at the predicament that your [insert appropriate relationship here] currently is in, I think that maybe your indignation is being misplaced. In an effort to help you find some peace with the issue, please let me take this moment to redirect your anger at its proper place.

First of all, I think you have a misunderstanding of what my job responsibilities are. As a law enforcement officer I am responsible for investigating and arresting those who commit crimes. I do not encourage, cajole, push or force others into committing crimes. Despite what you think, it’s a matter of pride & honor for me and my law enforcement brothers & sisters not to do so. But I know you wouldn’t understand that.

The fact of the matter is that criminals commit their crimes BY THEIR OWN CHOICE. Which I think is the part you don’t just get.

Maybe it is guilt on your part. Guilt because you weren’t a better [insert your relationship here]. Perhaps if you had been a better [insert relationship here] your ass clown would not be going around committing crimes and getting arrested. Perhaps if you would have held your ass clown responsible for the crimes they were committing instead of blaming everyone else for them, they would not be such the proverbial hemorrhoid on society’s butt.

What you are doing is what I refer to as being an “ostrich.” You place the blame for your ass clown’s acts anywhere and everywhere but on your ass clown, which is akin to burying your head in the ground like an ostrich.

So do everyone a favor and direct your anger, ridicule, overt hatred and petty threats at your [insert relationship here], not at me or my fellow officers, as ultimately your ass clown is the one responsible for their own legal woes. Perhaps if you had done so earlier in life they would not be such an ass clown, which regrettably they have proven to be a failure at as evidenced by being caught.

Good luck to you and your personal criminal,

SmallTownCopper

Dude, did you seriously ask the police to do that?

So as a small town or rural police officer or deputy, you get used to having to perform duties that your brethren in larger communities don't normally get sent to or have to do. Its just part of the job and for the most part you don't complain about them because your just so happy for something to do.

But occasionally you get one of those requests that makes you ask what was that person smoking?

So the other day was my newest WTF moment. I am sitting around doing important police things, when my dispatcher calls and lays this request on me. 

Apparently there was a citizen at the nearby airport, which in reality is one landing strip with some tin buildings around it, who called to inquire if there was a taxi service that could provide them with a ride into town. My dispatcher politely informs the citizen in need that no, we have no taxi service, at which time they  want an officer to come pick them up and take them to as store in town to spend some money. My dispatcher, who is new to the wonderful world of public safety communications, then calls me to ask if I would be able to provide a ride for this brain trust citizen. 

[Cue sarcastic voice] Of course I immediately tell her yes, hop into my patrol car and run out to the airport to chauffeur the wayward pilot and his crew on their shopping foray. After all we are in an economic downturn, they are infusing much needed revenue into the community and I would be remiss by not playing my part in helping the local economy but not doing so.

Yeah right. Of course I didn't do that. What kind of idiot flies a plane into a rural community of less that 2000 people, believing that there is a taxi service!? And then to have the stupidity audacity to think that anyone in public safety, in particular the POLICE, would carry you about town so that you could shop!? It says POLICE not TAXI on the doors dude! WTH were you thinking!?

I did however ask the dispatcher if 1) she was serious, which she assured me she was, and 2) advised her unless it was an emergency such as illness, death or the end of the world, we do not provide taxi services to people for the purpose of shopping in this community and that maybe they should utilize the service of the "Skymall."

My message was relayed to the misguided pilot, who of course was appalled by the fact that the police would not help him acquire more personal property and instead started up the plane and flew off into the wild blue yonder leaving  me to sit around and shake my head in amazement.

Oh well, at least I have another entry into the strange requests column.