A Traffic Stop Conversation...

A short while back, I had a wonderful conversation with a charming ass clown gentleman who I had stopped for traffic violations. It had been awhile as I hadn’t stopped one of those delightful people who just want to be a jerk because they got stopped. I understand that no one ever wants to get stopped by the police, but trying to treat the guy or gal stopping you like a piece of shit is definitely not the way to go.

It was kind of humorous and too good not to share. Anyhow, the stop went something like this…

SmallTownCopper: Hello sir. I am Officer Copper with the Small Town Police. The reason I stopped you is because…

Stupid Ass Driver: Why are you picking on me!?

STC: Excuse me?

SAD: I want to know why you are picking on me!

STC: Well sir, it’s like this. Look back there (pointing back at the intersection). Do you see that big red metal octagon shaped sign there? That’s called a stop sign. It’s there to let you know that you, the driver, have to stop your vehicle at that point so as not to cause an accident. The sad part for you is that the state happens to have a law that says when people like you don’t stop at those, guys like me can pull you over and give you a ticket for not stopping. It’s kind of a common thing.

SAD: You don’t have to be rude. I just asked a question.

STC: And I answered your question about why I stopped you sir. I need you driver’s license, vehicle registration and insurance card. Please.

SAD: For what? Are you giving me a ticket!?

STC: I'm sorry sir, I guess you did not understand me. DRIVER'S LICENSE. VEHICLE REGISTRATION. INSURANCE CARD. Please.

SAD: (looking at me confused)

SAD: This is bullshit. I don’t have my license with me and can’t find my insurance card.

STC: (sarcastically) Do you have a driver’s license sir?

SAD: (gives me the “I am trying to intimidate you” stare)

STC: Is that a yes or no stare?

SAD: You’re an asshole.

STC: Well you are certainly entitled to your opinion. How about you just give me your name and date of birth.

SAD: Stupid Ass Driver. February 27, 1981.*

STC: Thanks. Now stay in your car and I will be back with you in a few minutes.

[SEVERAL MINUTES AND 4 CITATIONS LATER]

STC: Ok, sir. I am citing you for failing to stop for a stop sign, which we have already gone over, as well as not having proof of insurance, not having your driver’s license in your possession and for not wearing your seat belt. Please sign on the line with the X.

SAD: WHAT? I DIDN’T STOP AT THE STOP SIGN! WHY ARE YOU WRITING ME OTHER TICKETS!?

STC: (takes deep breath) Sir, you broke four separate traffic laws. I am writing you citations for each violation. That’s how it works. Now you have to do your part and sign the citations on the line with the X.

SAD: (angrily signs the citations) I’ll see you in court. And I am making a complaint on you. I’ll have your badge after I tell everyone how you talked down to me and called me an asshole. What do you think about that you mother fucker? It will be my word against yours.

STC: I’m sure the court will enjoy listening to you. By the way, you have never watched any of those police video shows have you?

SAD: What does that have to do with this?

STC: Just that my car back there has this great tool in it called a camera. Their all the rage now. It’s great because it records what I see and do. It even records audio. I’ll remember to bring it to court with me, our Judges just love seeing & hearing the videos of upstanding citizens like yourself.

SAD: (suddenly quiet and pale)...

STC: So your court date is two weeks from Monday at 10 AM. The address is printed on the back of the citations sir. Please wear your seat belt and driver carefully sir.

So fast forward two weeks. I check with the court and discover that SAD has decided not to fight the citations I wrote him. He went ahead and paid the $500 in fines instead.

And I am still waiting to hear about his complaint. I guess the moral of the story is that maybe you should follow your mother’s advice and treat people like you want to be treated. Or maybe it’s you catch more flies with honey?

Stay safe my friends…and wear your vests! 

STC

*coincidentally, February 27 is National Asshole Day. True story. Google it.

To the Angry Relative

To the Angry Relative,

While I understand that you are upset at the predicament that your [insert appropriate relationship here] currently is in, I think that maybe your indignation is being misplaced. In an effort to help you find some peace with the issue, please let me take this moment to redirect your anger at its proper place.

First of all, I think you have a misunderstanding of what my job responsibilities are. As a law enforcement officer I am responsible for investigating and arresting those who commit crimes. I do not encourage, cajole, push or force others into committing crimes. Despite what you think, it’s a matter of pride & honor for me and my law enforcement brothers & sisters not to do so. But I know you wouldn’t understand that.

The fact of the matter is that criminals commit their crimes BY THEIR OWN CHOICE. Which I think is the part you don’t just get.

Maybe it is guilt on your part. Guilt because you weren’t a better [insert your relationship here]. Perhaps if you had been a better [insert relationship here] your ass clown would not be going around committing crimes and getting arrested. Perhaps if you would have held your ass clown responsible for the crimes they were committing instead of blaming everyone else for them, they would not be such the proverbial hemorrhoid on society’s butt.

What you are doing is what I refer to as being an “ostrich.” You place the blame for your ass clown’s acts anywhere and everywhere but on your ass clown, which is akin to burying your head in the ground like an ostrich.

So do everyone a favor and direct your anger, ridicule, overt hatred and petty threats at your [insert relationship here], not at me or my fellow officers, as ultimately your ass clown is the one responsible for their own legal woes. Perhaps if you had done so earlier in life they would not be such an ass clown, which regrettably they have proven to be a failure at as evidenced by being caught.

Good luck to you and your personal criminal,

SmallTownCopper

Do you know who I am!?

Here is something that irks me, actually there are quite a few things that irk me, but this is right at the top of the list. True story.

What is it you ask? The dreaded “Do you know who I am!?”

This lovely gem of a question from someone I stop or am dealing with always makes me pause and take a deep breath, which is my personal action of choice to prevent popping off and having to explain to the Head Shed why they received a complaint that the normally friendly officer hurt the feelings of the poor picked upon self important turd citizen.

The fact of the matter is that as a police officer, if I am talking to you regarding my job it does not matter whether or not I know you.

What should be of greater importance to you Mr, Mrs or Ms S.I.T. (Self-Important Turd), is that 1) you have committed some type of traffic and/or criminal violation in my presence or 2) someone has reported you as having or you match the description of someone having committed some sort of social faux pas (i.e. a crime.)

It doesn't matter to me that you’re the second cousin of the mayor’s neighbor or that your aunt’s sister’s cousin’s best friend sat next to the Police Chief/Sheriff in preschool. Either way, my knowledge (or lack of knowledge) of your identity is a moot point. In fact, it is a sign of my being a professional (no laughing from those who know my secret identity) that I can, strike that, that I am legally bound to enforce the laws in an impartial manner without regard to who you know or who you (incorrectly think) you may  be.

That's one of the beauties of our system of justice. It is the same for everyone. The argument about how the courts work is reserved for another post or two.

So please remember, save your sense of self importance for others, if you break the law you get the same consideration as everyone else gets from me, period.

Of course it is fun to arrest/ticket those who are legends in their own minds.

Man I feel better. This blogging thing is great for the soul.

Why am I in disbelief!?

So there is this domestic call awhile back, when doesn't matter, and as a result of an overabundance of liquid refreshments this charming couple goes into meltdown one sunny day. This little donnybrook meanders its way outside, where the man of the house proceeds to lay his mitts on not only the love of his life, but also upon their brood of future field contacts children. The unscripted throw-down draws the attention of others, who decide that maybe the police should check the whole thing out.

So a-responding I go, along with the alphabet of other law enforcement professionals who hear the call go out. But that's good, I like taking friends with me to exciting places. Anyway we all get there, and I get the story from the victim, the suspect, the neighbors, yadda yadda yadda...you get the picture.

As a result, the aforementioned man of the house goes to jail in the back of a black & white while I patiently explain to Mrs. Man of the House her options (restraining order, victim assistance, etc.), all of which she agrees that she will do because she just wants out of the relationship and just can't be with someone like her husband.

Now I should be happy & content that I did my job, the Mrs is safe from the Mr, right?

Yeah right, now here is the flip side of handling domestics as a cop. After all of that, I later (the time and date are not important but it was somewhere between 23 & 25 hours) drive past the house and what do I see? The happy family back together. Like nothing ever happened. Like he never beat her or their children. You'd think that after being a cop as long as I have I would not be surprised by this. Well I am. I probably always will be. I will never understand why anyone, male or female, would stay with or return to another who physically beat or hurt them. 

Maybe I was just lucky that I was raised differently and never had to face such problems in my life.

Unfortunately, I will see this again, again and again I am sure. And I still won't understand it but will keep plugging away in the hope that maybe one day the victim will decide not to be a victim anymore.