To the Angry Relative

To the Angry Relative,

While I understand that you are upset at the predicament that your [insert appropriate relationship here] currently is in, I think that maybe your indignation is being misplaced. In an effort to help you find some peace with the issue, please let me take this moment to redirect your anger at its proper place.

First of all, I think you have a misunderstanding of what my job responsibilities are. As a law enforcement officer I am responsible for investigating and arresting those who commit crimes. I do not encourage, cajole, push or force others into committing crimes. Despite what you think, it’s a matter of pride & honor for me and my law enforcement brothers & sisters not to do so. But I know you wouldn’t understand that.

The fact of the matter is that criminals commit their crimes BY THEIR OWN CHOICE. Which I think is the part you don’t just get.

Maybe it is guilt on your part. Guilt because you weren’t a better [insert your relationship here]. Perhaps if you had been a better [insert relationship here] your ass clown would not be going around committing crimes and getting arrested. Perhaps if you would have held your ass clown responsible for the crimes they were committing instead of blaming everyone else for them, they would not be such the proverbial hemorrhoid on society’s butt.

What you are doing is what I refer to as being an “ostrich.” You place the blame for your ass clown’s acts anywhere and everywhere but on your ass clown, which is akin to burying your head in the ground like an ostrich.

So do everyone a favor and direct your anger, ridicule, overt hatred and petty threats at your [insert relationship here], not at me or my fellow officers, as ultimately your ass clown is the one responsible for their own legal woes. Perhaps if you had done so earlier in life they would not be such an ass clown, which regrettably they have proven to be a failure at as evidenced by being caught.

Good luck to you and your personal criminal,

SmallTownCopper