A Traffic Stop Conversation...

A short while back, I had a wonderful conversation with a charming ass clown gentleman who I had stopped for traffic violations. It had been awhile as I hadn’t stopped one of those delightful people who just want to be a jerk because they got stopped. I understand that no one ever wants to get stopped by the police, but trying to treat the guy or gal stopping you like a piece of shit is definitely not the way to go.

It was kind of humorous and too good not to share. Anyhow, the stop went something like this…

SmallTownCopper: Hello sir. I am Officer Copper with the Small Town Police. The reason I stopped you is because…

Stupid Ass Driver: Why are you picking on me!?

STC: Excuse me?

SAD: I want to know why you are picking on me!

STC: Well sir, it’s like this. Look back there (pointing back at the intersection). Do you see that big red metal octagon shaped sign there? That’s called a stop sign. It’s there to let you know that you, the driver, have to stop your vehicle at that point so as not to cause an accident. The sad part for you is that the state happens to have a law that says when people like you don’t stop at those, guys like me can pull you over and give you a ticket for not stopping. It’s kind of a common thing.

SAD: You don’t have to be rude. I just asked a question.

STC: And I answered your question about why I stopped you sir. I need you driver’s license, vehicle registration and insurance card. Please.

SAD: For what? Are you giving me a ticket!?

STC: I'm sorry sir, I guess you did not understand me. DRIVER'S LICENSE. VEHICLE REGISTRATION. INSURANCE CARD. Please.

SAD: (looking at me confused)

SAD: This is bullshit. I don’t have my license with me and can’t find my insurance card.

STC: (sarcastically) Do you have a driver’s license sir?

SAD: (gives me the “I am trying to intimidate you” stare)

STC: Is that a yes or no stare?

SAD: You’re an asshole.

STC: Well you are certainly entitled to your opinion. How about you just give me your name and date of birth.

SAD: Stupid Ass Driver. February 27, 1981.*

STC: Thanks. Now stay in your car and I will be back with you in a few minutes.

[SEVERAL MINUTES AND 4 CITATIONS LATER]

STC: Ok, sir. I am citing you for failing to stop for a stop sign, which we have already gone over, as well as not having proof of insurance, not having your driver’s license in your possession and for not wearing your seat belt. Please sign on the line with the X.

SAD: WHAT? I DIDN’T STOP AT THE STOP SIGN! WHY ARE YOU WRITING ME OTHER TICKETS!?

STC: (takes deep breath) Sir, you broke four separate traffic laws. I am writing you citations for each violation. That’s how it works. Now you have to do your part and sign the citations on the line with the X.

SAD: (angrily signs the citations) I’ll see you in court. And I am making a complaint on you. I’ll have your badge after I tell everyone how you talked down to me and called me an asshole. What do you think about that you mother fucker? It will be my word against yours.

STC: I’m sure the court will enjoy listening to you. By the way, you have never watched any of those police video shows have you?

SAD: What does that have to do with this?

STC: Just that my car back there has this great tool in it called a camera. Their all the rage now. It’s great because it records what I see and do. It even records audio. I’ll remember to bring it to court with me, our Judges just love seeing & hearing the videos of upstanding citizens like yourself.

SAD: (suddenly quiet and pale)...

STC: So your court date is two weeks from Monday at 10 AM. The address is printed on the back of the citations sir. Please wear your seat belt and driver carefully sir.

So fast forward two weeks. I check with the court and discover that SAD has decided not to fight the citations I wrote him. He went ahead and paid the $500 in fines instead.

And I am still waiting to hear about his complaint. I guess the moral of the story is that maybe you should follow your mother’s advice and treat people like you want to be treated. Or maybe it’s you catch more flies with honey?

Stay safe my friends…and wear your vests! 

STC

*coincidentally, February 27 is National Asshole Day. True story. Google it.